Sleepless Nights can bring fruitful mornings...

3:51 AM found me looking at the time again.  I had awaken at 3:19 and had been tossing and turning.  It was time to get out of bed, something I rarely do, but I knew Matt did not need the disturbed sleep.  My rule is usually to stay in bed and close my eyes - pray - and eventually sleep will come.  But last night I just got out of bed, grabbed my phone and sat in our "Lazy Boy" chair.  

After catching up on my "Words with Friends" and "Scramble," I began to scroll through Facebook.  I came across the status of a friend I met via the internet years ago when I was pregnant with Cathan.  Although we never met face to face, we did share phone calls, laughter and tears years ago.  She used her Facebook status to come clean, admit addiction and make a cry for help.  It was brutal honesty, not only for friends and family that needed to hear, but for herself - whom she admitted she was afraid to face without the alcohol.  

It got me thinking about my own addictions.  Though through the years I have never turned to obvious addictions such as alcohol, drugs or food, I have always found a way to make my own escapes from reality, and not do what I ought to be doing.  

Addictions are tough, because as my friend admitted she realizes she cannot have one drink, not a single one; because there is no “just one” when it comes to drinking and what it triggers.  I have found my “escapism” -as I have come to call it over the years- just as challenging.  For me I turn to less harmful things outwardly, but the results can still destroy relationships.  It has been different things at different points in my life, soap operas, reading, plenty of other T.V. shows, computer games, mom’s groups (I am great at giving others advice and showing love and encouragement in lives I am not personally touching), Xbox games, Facebook, phone games, etc.

These are easy to justify as “me” time.  Many times when I would try to talk about it, I would hear – well, you have to have some time for yourself.  Reading is fine… it is OK to go on Facebook to see pictures… You words are inspiring and encouraging… You need to have your time too… You do so much with your children that you need to find time for yourself.  With an alcoholic, the addiction is clear – no drinks, not even one – but I have long struggled with how to manage my “fun” time without it turning into constant escaping.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fasted from one thing, only to turn to another. 

And while drugs or alcohol addictions may hurt so many on so many levels, my family also has suffered from my selfishness with my time.  Besides the obvious of things not getting done around the house, my children have been asked to wait for my attention while I played one more round of “Scramble” or one more word on “Words with Friends.”  If they were asked what the most important thing to their mom is right now, they might easily answer that my phone is – and that is a scary thing.  I know Matt has often mentioned how I often bury my head in my phone every ten minutes.  And while lately I have not been nearly as bad as other times in my life, I am yet given another wake-up call.  

So how does one with an addictive personality take time for me?  I am not sure I can.  I am not sure that I could ever just play one game from time to time.  There is always a new score to beat or even a new word to learn.  The latter is my biggest excuse for “Words with Friends” because I am continuing to learn new words and definitions.  By the way, I do have to tangent and share just one... the word evite is actually an archaic word meaning “avoid.”  I love the irony in that!  So send out that evites to all your parties ;)

Back to my addictions… they all seem to fall into forms of “amusement.”  I recently heard that the word “amuse” means “to not think.”  Now I cannot find the origins of that myself, but I do seem similar ideas within the definition of the word amuse:  to divert attention in a joyful manner, to pass time agreeably, to puzzle or to distract.  I like puzzles, because solving them makes me feel successful.  I like word games, because they make me feel intelligent.  Who would not wanted to have their attention diverted from housework and things that need to get done?  But I really do see how being “amused” is really “to not think.”  Maybe I am thinking in some ways, as to how I might solve a puzzle or learn a new definition, but I am using whatever source I am escaping with to “not think” about what really needs to get done.

I have recently been reading the book of Ezra and it has been speaking to me on how these people found joy in the work they were doing.  This concept is nothing new to me, but again I am praying that I can find enjoyment in the everyday work I do for God and my family.

Today, for Father’s Day, our minister spoke on breaking dysfunctional cycles.  It was very fitting for me with all I have been thinking and praying about.  We also sang a song that has been speaking to me every time I sing it for the past six months.  In this season of my life, I keep singing these words…

“Oh Lord You've searched me 
You know my way 
Even when I fail You 
I know You love me”

I may not know how to overcome these habits but I know that God, my Heavenly Father, knows how He created me – He knows my ways.  Even when I constantly fail in showing His love and grace to my husband and children, He still loves me.  I can have hope in the fact that if I ask him to order my days, He will.  If I seek Him first, He will make my paths straight. 

When I think about coming forward with my addictive personality, Satan loves to interject with how people will view me differently.  It was so fitting when our minister closed with these words:

“There is something more important than pride or dignity – that is restoration.” – Mark McGilvrey

So I pray to God that He can restore me and my relationships through His love.  May you also find restoration beneath the loving presence of His shielding wings.