Dressember!

So God put it on my heart to to do this Dressember thing .... I really did not want to, but here I am.

Dressember, to my surprise, started off as a fashion thing of sorts.  The two ladies who started it wanted to bring back femininity and wear a dress, any dress, every single day in December.

I only heard of Dressember this year when the raising awareness and money for the "International Justice Mission" were added to the event.

I decided not only would I wear a dress every single day in December, I would be wearing the same dress every day!  Mostly because I only have one that fits comfortably, but truly, it does attract a LOT more attention when people start to see you in the same dress over and over!  For me, this is about bringing awareness to something many people have not even really ever heard of - or just brushed off as something that does not happen here.

I really do not like asking people for money, and I already did that once this year, but raising awareness for Human Trafficking has been on my heart for several years.

A few years ago I learned how young girls were being abducted and used in sexual slavery right here in the United States.  Not only that, Detroit and Toledo were among the largest Human Trafficking hubs in the United States.  Young girls are lured away (or even one story that was shared, going to a party with a newer friend!), drugged, and moved out of the State so they have no idea where they are.

Recently (like this just happened in November) one of Matt's friends had her daughter and her daughter's friend at Great Lakes Crossing.  At ages 15 & 16 the mom agreed they could go and watch a movie while shopping was happening.  They are very lucky their daughter and her friend came out of that movie.  The girls were "friended" by a lady sitting behind them.  Casual conversation led to being offered candy.  (hmmmm.... starburst would have been my downfall!!)  They declined but a little bit later the lady brought out some hair accessories and tried to sell them.  This all just in the short time before the movie started.  The girls decided to get up and report the lady.  Upon return, the lady was gone.  Feeling suspicious, a police report was filed.  It was then revealed that a "dust" is sometimes used on packaging to make the young girls a bit drugged... so that they can be casually walked out of the theater and taken away.  This not some guys luring your daughter into a car anymore!

There are lots of stories on the internet if you choose to educate yourself.  They are heartbreaking!

If you want to learn more about the International Justice Mission - which is a legal group helping with Injustice in other countries, which includes freeing women and children from sexual slavery, you can click on my link here... http://www.ijm.org/

If you would like to donate $5 or more to my fundraising, you can donate through my site here...
https://www.ijmfreedommaker.org/campaign/2241/Dressember-for-IJM/

Thank you for your time!!
Love, Marceen

Over Coming Obstacles

Many of you know by now that I will be doing the Warrior Dash on August 3rd with my awesome friend Stacy!!  I am very excited about this journey because I have decided to raise money for St. Jude's Children's hospital in the process.  What most of you do not know is truly how physically hard this could be on me.  Let me tell you, if I had to run it today I would be lucky to come in under two hours - unless I end up skipping obstacles after many tries - but that is not my intention.  Let me try to paint a picture for you, but first, realize this is a picture I am truly only learning the layers to myself.

I am not even sure where to begin because I have been only given fragments of pieces myself.  The first piece I can remember being revealed is when I went for speech therapy in the 9^th grade.  I had nodules on my vocal cords that the doctor felt therapy could help.  I already had surgery on my vocal cords when I was only 5 years old so I have a raspy voice because of it.  More surgery would mean more scarring to the vocal cords and an even further change in my voice.  Anyway, during speech therapy I was told I do not breathe correctly, only using the top third of my lungs completely and the middle section only somewhat.  The muscles around the deepest valves to my lungs are shriveled up doing nothing.  At the time I did some vocal exercises and breathing exercises for awhile, which help enough to wear down the size of my nodules and no surgery was needed.  I was encouraged to keep on with the breathing exercises so that my muscles would not return to their shrivel status, but in a short time they were forgotten.

When I was 18 years old I joined a gym.  I was a decent weight for my height, mostly because I was on my own and did not eat much of anything.  I was only about 125 lbs. back then.  I remember having a free fitness test done and it was commented on how very low my muscle tone was.  Joining another gym when I was 20 years old, and still then, I was again told my muscles tone to fat ratio was way off balance for my weight.  I never had money for a personal trainer so I never really understood what this meant and quickly forgot about it.

Last year in April I joined group training with a personal trainer.  This is the YMCA’s program to gives you the benefit of a personal trainer at a lower cost.  When I went through my personal set up with weight, measurements and the whole deal, I also got this machine which read my body fat percentage.  While my BMI was in the overweight category, this machine showed I had such little muscle that I was actually in the obese category.

In May of last year, seeing my new primary care doctor and trying to get the medication I liked best for my ADD, she insisted I have an EKG done first.  Well, she did not like the pattern in my EKG and sent me to a cardiologist.  My cardiologist was very impressed that my doctor even caught the glitch in my heartbeat.  It is there, but my heartbeat looks the exact same every time.  It is an always present imperfect pattern.  It ended up being diagnosed as a short PR (pulmonary rate).  Really he said it is Wolff–Parkinson–White syndrome (WPW) but he will not put that on my file because it tends to freak other doctors out.  The good news that I am asymptomatic – not showing any symptoms.  After doing a stress test and getting my heart rate up over 200 beats per minute, my doctor noted how much better my heart and lungs performed after the stress test than prior to it.  So what I am supposed to do is get my heart rate over 85% of max almost daily to keep my health up and stay asymptomatic. 

 

I have attempted many times to start exercise programs, and have always come up short.  I get so tired, so exhausted, that when I begin an exercise program I usually come home and want to sit for hours and do nothing.  Actually, anytime I do anything for a couple of hours, even running errands, I come home exhausted and want to sit and do nothing. 

 

I recently joined a class at Running Fit in Ann Arbor called “Running 101.”  Having the class made me accountable.  The first week I wanted to quit so many times.  I sit on the pavement and nearly cry.  My muscles lock up and I have to stop and stretch them out often.  Having this class and having to push myself beyond where I normally give up, I have realized how much the lack of oxygen and low muscle development effect me.  The good news is by the start of week two I was feeling so much better!!  Instead of constantly being exhausted and wanting to sit around, I was actually getting some energy after I exercised 5 of 7 days. 

 

Then I took two days off and it was like starting over.  I was mentally reminded that I have to be consistent with my exercising and breathing or my muscles go right back to where they have always been.  Maybe after months of building up my muscles I will be able to take a couple of days off, but not now. They are a shriveled up mass and want to stay that way.

 

Of course right when I started to do well I have been hit with a yucky virus.  Sinus infection, coughing, the runs (and not the running I should be doing) and it has gone on and on… I have not run in five days now.  It once again will be like starting over.  I am really bummed to have missed the week three class too!!  It was the best one on stretches!  So when it comes to my fitness, I feel like I am constantly over coming hurdles.  But I know for my overall health, and to keep my WPW asymptomatic, it will be worth it to constantly fight them. 

 

So I have this crazy race, this “Warrior Dash” scheduled only five weeks from now.  I have a long way to go on building up some arm strength if I want to be able to pull myself up or pull up a friend on any of those obstacles!  But I finally realize that if I give myself just 20 minutes a day, and get past the first week, I will get the energy I need to keep going.  I am just not sure how to deal with getting sick and I surely need to get better before I can truly restart now!

Sleepless Nights can bring fruitful mornings...

3:51 AM found me looking at the time again.  I had awaken at 3:19 and had been tossing and turning.  It was time to get out of bed, something I rarely do, but I knew Matt did not need the disturbed sleep.  My rule is usually to stay in bed and close my eyes - pray - and eventually sleep will come.  But last night I just got out of bed, grabbed my phone and sat in our "Lazy Boy" chair.  

After catching up on my "Words with Friends" and "Scramble," I began to scroll through Facebook.  I came across the status of a friend I met via the internet years ago when I was pregnant with Cathan.  Although we never met face to face, we did share phone calls, laughter and tears years ago.  She used her Facebook status to come clean, admit addiction and make a cry for help.  It was brutal honesty, not only for friends and family that needed to hear, but for herself - whom she admitted she was afraid to face without the alcohol.  

It got me thinking about my own addictions.  Though through the years I have never turned to obvious addictions such as alcohol, drugs or food, I have always found a way to make my own escapes from reality, and not do what I ought to be doing.  

Addictions are tough, because as my friend admitted she realizes she cannot have one drink, not a single one; because there is no “just one” when it comes to drinking and what it triggers.  I have found my “escapism” -as I have come to call it over the years- just as challenging.  For me I turn to less harmful things outwardly, but the results can still destroy relationships.  It has been different things at different points in my life, soap operas, reading, plenty of other T.V. shows, computer games, mom’s groups (I am great at giving others advice and showing love and encouragement in lives I am not personally touching), Xbox games, Facebook, phone games, etc.

These are easy to justify as “me” time.  Many times when I would try to talk about it, I would hear – well, you have to have some time for yourself.  Reading is fine… it is OK to go on Facebook to see pictures… You words are inspiring and encouraging… You need to have your time too… You do so much with your children that you need to find time for yourself.  With an alcoholic, the addiction is clear – no drinks, not even one – but I have long struggled with how to manage my “fun” time without it turning into constant escaping.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fasted from one thing, only to turn to another. 

And while drugs or alcohol addictions may hurt so many on so many levels, my family also has suffered from my selfishness with my time.  Besides the obvious of things not getting done around the house, my children have been asked to wait for my attention while I played one more round of “Scramble” or one more word on “Words with Friends.”  If they were asked what the most important thing to their mom is right now, they might easily answer that my phone is – and that is a scary thing.  I know Matt has often mentioned how I often bury my head in my phone every ten minutes.  And while lately I have not been nearly as bad as other times in my life, I am yet given another wake-up call.  

So how does one with an addictive personality take time for me?  I am not sure I can.  I am not sure that I could ever just play one game from time to time.  There is always a new score to beat or even a new word to learn.  The latter is my biggest excuse for “Words with Friends” because I am continuing to learn new words and definitions.  By the way, I do have to tangent and share just one... the word evite is actually an archaic word meaning “avoid.”  I love the irony in that!  So send out that evites to all your parties ;)

Back to my addictions… they all seem to fall into forms of “amusement.”  I recently heard that the word “amuse” means “to not think.”  Now I cannot find the origins of that myself, but I do seem similar ideas within the definition of the word amuse:  to divert attention in a joyful manner, to pass time agreeably, to puzzle or to distract.  I like puzzles, because solving them makes me feel successful.  I like word games, because they make me feel intelligent.  Who would not wanted to have their attention diverted from housework and things that need to get done?  But I really do see how being “amused” is really “to not think.”  Maybe I am thinking in some ways, as to how I might solve a puzzle or learn a new definition, but I am using whatever source I am escaping with to “not think” about what really needs to get done.

I have recently been reading the book of Ezra and it has been speaking to me on how these people found joy in the work they were doing.  This concept is nothing new to me, but again I am praying that I can find enjoyment in the everyday work I do for God and my family.

Today, for Father’s Day, our minister spoke on breaking dysfunctional cycles.  It was very fitting for me with all I have been thinking and praying about.  We also sang a song that has been speaking to me every time I sing it for the past six months.  In this season of my life, I keep singing these words…

“Oh Lord You've searched me 
You know my way 
Even when I fail You 
I know You love me”

I may not know how to overcome these habits but I know that God, my Heavenly Father, knows how He created me – He knows my ways.  Even when I constantly fail in showing His love and grace to my husband and children, He still loves me.  I can have hope in the fact that if I ask him to order my days, He will.  If I seek Him first, He will make my paths straight. 

When I think about coming forward with my addictive personality, Satan loves to interject with how people will view me differently.  It was so fitting when our minister closed with these words:

“There is something more important than pride or dignity – that is restoration.” – Mark McGilvrey

So I pray to God that He can restore me and my relationships through His love.  May you also find restoration beneath the loving presence of His shielding wings.

A Missionary's story...

Sometimes we get to hear from a missionary, and how the pieces fit together in amazing ways!!  I absolutely love this talk and I promise that you will be inspired!
you can listen here...http://www.5milechurch.org/sermons/?sermon_id=82

Worse than dairy....

Let me start by saying that Rebekah is not at risk of death from ingesting certain ingredients, and with that I can not relate.  But for us our biggest challenge is proving to be the dyes and now the preservatives when we attempt to eat out.  Thankfully we are not a family that eats out often, but we have had two occasions within a week (very rare) and we are realizing that it will be a long, long while before attempting to have Rebekah with us again.

After reading a blog which enlightened me to TBHQ in all of McDonald's cooking oils - except of course in their European chains where TBHQ is a banned from any foods - I did a little research.  To the best of my knowledge, McDonald's uses oils with TBHQ in the United States so that it can remove the saturated fat.  Lower fat = healthier to the unknowledgeable American.  Finally, after months of not knowing why, I had an answer to why Rebekah reacted the three times we let her try McDonald's chicken nuggets.  Their nuggets are dairy free so I had thought they were safe, but after her third reaction to them I thought maybe there was dairy cross-contamination... little did I know at the time of the bigger underlying issue.

So we went out to eat for Cathan's birthday at a Mexican restaurant - his request.  I immediately asked if I could see the oil at this place and was allowed to do so.  There it was, big as day, the oil they use contains TBHQ.  I had some hope remembering that "Food Babe" just posted on a Chipolte Restaurant chain win, so I went back to that article this morning.  Good thing the oil eliminated everything at the restaurant we went too (not a Chipolte, but I was comparing), because the corn chips would have most likely contained benzoic acid.  The Mayo Clinic's information on this one automatically puts it on our avoidance list.

So with having to keep Rebekah off all artificial preservatives, there is just going to be no way we can have her at restaurants right now.  I ended up walking Rebekah back to the van on Friday while the rest of the family enjoyed Cathan's birthday dinner and surprise dessert.  :)  She is just reaching for everything on the table right now, and this being her second outing in a week (Matt's parents had taken us out to eat the week before as a special treat) - Rebekah was being much more persistent about eating what we had.

Plus, after reading and learning so much, it is getting harder and harder to eat any of it myself.  I walk through a store and my thoughts go "red 40, BHA, BHT, TBHQ....."  Oh, and yeah, acronyms are a huge clue.  Speaking of, Cathan found a new acronym in his chocolate.  PBPR.  I was in the van with Rebekah while Matt ran in the store and he called me to quickly look it up.  I instantly said that an acronym can not be good, but apparently Hersey's thinks so.  The company decided cocoa butter is too expensive so they found a replacement... here is a blog on that http://becausenooneasked.com/2009/12/27/pgpr/.

This gives you a little insight to our challenge and it is growing... but so our the quantities of good nights of full rest for both Rebekah and her parents.  :)  Having a healthy child not itching and twitching and squirming and cramping is so much better than the challenge of finding real food.

The Watermelon Incident

On Monday I had the privilege of visiting two sweet women who mentored me through a Women's Bible study at my previous church.  I am getting good at packing up many food options for Rebekah on outings, but as I piled things into the van I somehow forgot the diaper bag.  It was a good thing one of the ladies has a daughter a couple of months older than Rebekah as I knew I would be able to change her diaper before the ride home.  The only semi-challenging part was half of Rebekah's food was in the diaper bag - and I was praising God it was only half and that I had options with me.

As lunchtime approached Rebekah was offered some watermelon.  My instant response was, "Yes!  Thank you, fruit is always a safe option."  It was then that I was instantly reminded (a prompting from the Holy Spirit) of a friend telling me that dyes have been used occasionally in fruits.  I dismissed this thought by reminding myself that I had looked that up in the past and I had confirmed dyes added to apples to make their skin more red/ripe looking, but I had not come across other fruit.

When the cut up watermelon was handed over, I exclaimed, "Look how red it is!"  Since I was too oblivious to hear my own words they were echoed by our mutual friend, "That really is some red watermelon."  (prompting number 2 which I just did not open my ears to hear.)

My friend's daughter, who sat across the table from me, had spread a white napkin out and a few pieces of watermelon were placed in front of her.  Instantly I saw the red liquid creep into the white napkin.  After a quick thought of "that is not normal" the enemy snuck in for the kill with a thought of "raspberries and strawberries do that, why not watermelon?  Still, I could not remember once seeing watermelon bleed like that....

Rebekah only ate one piece completely to my knowledge... she took a bite of a second and threw it on the floor, and then a bite of a third and threw it on the floor.  It is amazing how her body knows how to rebel against chemicals, even when her mind sees a food she is "allowed" to eat.  By the time I started my drive home, I realized the three warnings I had been given and dismissed.  I had to know and I did not want to wait the 40 minutes until I got home.  A quick call to Matthew and he confirmed that sometimes red dye is injected into watermelons to make them appear ripe.  (This is just one source I found:  http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2012-05-12/kanpur/31678929_1_bright-red-shade-watermelons-harmful-colours)  ... by the way, this is edited:  most stories of dyes in watermelon seem to be in Asia and India.  It is not supposed to happen in the United States.  But sometimes, things happen... and this watermelon did appear very unnaturally red....

Not many people can even come close to understanding how the artificial dyes and preservatives can effect a child.  I am constantly surprised myself, even when I see the outcome.  I tried to dismiss Rebekah's cranky and uncomfortable afternoon to a cold/virus that was going through our family.  I tried to be hopeful for a good night's sleep by giving Rebekah some natural nighttime medicine that contained melatonin.  By midnight I heard her babbling, and crying on and off.  By 3 A.M. there was no more denying it.  Rebekah was restless and uncomfortable and crying with misery.  I brought her back to our bed which really translates to nobody gets sleep.  Rebekah tried her best to be still and I tried my best to relax her.  At one point she hit her head a few times while saying, "No, No, No!"  She knows she is supposed to be sleeping, and I can not even imagine what her body goes through.  My heart breaks as I think about the words from another blogger of a mom who's child reacts to dyes and I hear these words as if coming from Rebekah..."Monica ends up on the couch next to me, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably and asking me to make whatever is happening to her stop. Squirming and itching and rocking and crying, “Just make it stop, mom!” 

"Just make it stop, mom!"  I see it in her eyes.  I hear it in her self frustration saying, "No! No! No!"  How else can a 22 month old say it?  In the above quoted blog, http://www.allergykids.com/blog/seeing-red/, the episode lasts an hour... for Rebekah it still seems to be 72 hours before the cycle is completely done.  She goes through softer stools and a really bad rash.  She will also scratch her skin until it bleeds just where her nerve endings are at the middle lower part of her backside.  All these things seem to be part of her red dye reactions.  Even though I have read stories which confirms she is not alone, she seems to have the most extreme sensitivity to the littlest amount of dye.  It breaks my heart that after it starts there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her through it.  She only finds comfort in sleeping upright on her mommy or daddy for brief moments that get better after the 24 hour mark.

I am thankful some people in our lives are starting to "get it" as best they can.  I am thankful my mom has made 3-4 visits a month and has gotten many play by plays of what we have gone through.  As I went through this story yesterday with my mom, I started with "Rebekah got some red dye on Monday."  My mom wondered how on earth when we have been so careful.  "Watermelon" I said, and her instant response was "You are kidding me!"  There was not a single hint of speculation in her tone, but more of an astonished tone that it is now in a natural food.  She instantly followed up with "I can see how they would do that... making a melon appear ripe."  She is getting it, and for me that is a sense of peace.  Not having to defend myself or explain it in 100 ways.  Rebekah reacts to chemicals.  Since February we have only had two episodes Praise the LORD!  One from the BHT in Kellogg's cereals (which is not as severe as a dye reaction but still enough), and now the watermelon incident.

Here is to praying I can hear the warnings a little quicker next time.  Here's hoping to no more 72 hour episodes, ever!

Today's Blessings - June 22nd, 2011 (10:52 pm) - A blog from the past...

So an interesting thing I found on Facebook today, it is now highlighting some of my old "notes" from the past.  Though I am having some issues with a nice copy & paste for font size (I do very basic stuff on the computer), I wanted to share it on here.  Also, there are some points my medicated mind did not share clearly the first time, so this has been edited and revised.  I have made my new additions bold for now, until I can figure out font size and formatting.

Today's Blessings - June 22nd, 2011 (10:52 pm)

As I reflect on this early writing, I think I should give a preview to those jumping in on my first thoughts.  June 22, 2011 was our scheduled c-section of our fourth child.  Rebekah Colleene Gasperoni was born at 9:35 a.m. weighing in at 9 lbs 1 ounce.  Four hours after she was born she was taken to the "Special Care Nursery" and then on to the NICU where she would spend the first seven days of her life on strong antibiotics.  As a new mom, obviously I must have been feeling like it was not such the "great day" I thought it would be.  ..... 

Today might not seem like such a great day from the outside, but God's love and blessings have been shining through all day long.  That is what I have been focusing on and bringing me such peace through every minute.

The day started with lots of anxiety because I know I have not reacted well to pain medicines or surgeries in the past.  Never anything drastic, just bumps in the road.  In the past, Matt has been there when the epidural is set in for surgery.  This time he was not in the room when I was being given a spinal block.  I had one nurse in front of me telling me I needed to relax and slouch my back.  She kept telling me the needle was not going to go in correctly if I could not relax.  I was doing my best to try to relax but I was completely tense and the longer it was taking the more I was shaking.  Nothing like knowing one slip could paralyze you to make you shake!!  Another nurse, Maria, saw my need and told the first nurse she would stay with me and she could go back to triage - essentially switching patient positions (Maria had been with me in triage).  Once the first nurse left the room Maria held me close and told me to put my head on her shoulder.  She then was very quiet for a moment.  She did not say a word but I know I felt her praying over me.  I completely calmed down and relaxed.  God is so good that He put it on Maria's heart to notice my need.  The spinal went in fine and all was good.

Matt was let in for the surgery shortly after that and having him there is more than calming to my soul.  He held my hand, gently stroked my hair, gave me soft kisses, and talked to me so I would not focus on what was going on.  I am so incredibly blessed to have him by my side on this journey.

Rebekah was born into this world breathing, kicking and screaming.  It was a very wonderful sound.  Even though I have been having girl dreams the past few weeks, and once referred to the baby as a she, I was still surprised in hearing "It's a girl!"  We had not found out our baby's gender, but I had been very confident for eight months that we were going to have a baby boy.  

Rebekah was born our largest baby, with the least amount of hair.  She also has the lightest hair, unlike my other three being born with lots of dark brown hair.  Matt was able to stay with Rebekah through all her routine clean-up, weigh-ins and tests.  (another praise!)  The nurse that washed her up suggested Rebekah's hair might actually be curly - we will have to wait and see.  This little Rebekah is going to be full of wonderful surprises and I look forward to each and every one of them.

In this review of the events of the day, I seemed to have missed a large chunk of time.  

Rebekah and Matt visited me in recovery.  I was able to nurse Rebekah just an hour after she was born and she did awesome!  We needed lots of help from Matt to position her, but she latched on great.  After Rebekah and I got settled in our room, the nurse came to check up on us again.  I remember it being around noon, maybe 12:30,  and our nurse, Amy, did not like Rebekah's breathing.  She checked Rebekah's blood sugar (because I had gestational diabetes this fourth pregnancy) and everything was great there.  Amy told me to try to nurse Rebekah again and she would be back to check on her.  For the next 40 minutes we tried to get Rebekah to latch on and she just could not.  I also noticed her breathing getting more and more rapid.  Just as I was telling Matt to buzz for the nurse, Amy came back into the room.  She immediately took Rebekah's oxygen levels and confirmed they were dropping.  She used the adult size mask in the room to immediately give Rebekah some "blow by" oxygen and got her back into a safe range.  She got on her phone to report numbers and what she had done, and a doctor came to see us with two minutes.  We were told Rebekah was going to be moved to the "Special Care" nursery for a couple of hours for observation.

After we realized Rebekah was going to need some special care, I thought Matt should make a few calls to people who might be driving further distances, like my mom, sister and sister-in-law.  The nurse gave me Rebekah one more time to hold and she opened her eyes wide to look at me.  This was a very special Blessing that I am holding precious in my heart.  Matt came over and spoke softly to her and Rebekah's eyes shifted to him to study daddy carefully.  I was amazed at this precious newborn studying her daddy so closely!  I spoke and again she looked back at me!  As we held her close she just looked on us with wonder and I know those few minutes were a precious gift from God.

As the nurse was about to take Rebekah away, in walked my mom, sister, niece and nephew.  They didn't get to see her long, but I was blessed by the Spirit that they didn't just miss her.  God is so good for giving them even a few moments to hold our new baby and a gracious nurse that let them!

The afternoon became tougher as I began to move my legs and sit up.  Instantly the movement caused me to become sick, and I have been throwing up approximately every hour since then.  I can not even begin to express how amazing Matt is as a husband.  He is there for me every time I get sick, helps me clean up and wipe my face.  He even gets sprayed on and never complains one time.  He is a silent warrior by my side through it all.  God gave me an incredible man and He continues to equip Matthew for all my battles and needs.

After Matt posted on facebook that Rebekah went to special care, a friend who's husband works in pediatrics at this hospital, called her husband and sent him to get an update for us.  I later found out this had been Raj's day off!!  Raj and Vanessa had just had their first baby in early April so I am sure every day off was huge for him being a Resident doctor at a major hospital and getting very little family time.  But Vanessa insisted he use his hospital rights to find out information for us.  So he walked (they were without a car) to the hospital (they lived about a mile away at the time), changed into his grubs, spoke to the Head of Pediatrics, and found out what he could for us!  We had no idea God was working behind the scenes during this time or that Vanessa had even seen this post.  

When Matt went to get an update on Rebekah, he found out that she was moved to the NICU and was downstairs getting some tests done.  It would be over an hour before we heard anything from NICU and we would have to wait it out.  Less than 20 minutes later, Raj came in, introduced himself (yes, I had never even met him yet!), and gave us an update on what he knew at the time.  As any parent who has been in waiting mode before knows, that was an incredibly precious gift to hear from someone in between.  God is so good in using our Christian brothers and sisters moment by moment in this day.  Thank you for the extra special blessing Vanessa and Raj.  The update had been that the tests confirmed excessive fluid in the lungs, plus infiltration was beginning to occur.  They were taking pro-active measures and treating it as pneumonia.  I am not sure how much difference an hour would have made in a newborn just developing pneumonia, but I know that Amy, our nurse, was incredibly attentive for noticing Rebekah's issues so early. 

Matt decided it might be a good time to head home to help with our other three children for a couple of hours.    When Matt left the hospital for a couple of hours to help the children get settled for bed, I was in and out of a groggy sleep.  I remember Amy coming in to check on me one last time before heading home for the night.  She was awarded with having to be a quick catch with the puke tray since Matt was not there.  She asked about Rebekah and what were the official updates.  Again, I am so thankful for the two awesome nurses that were there for me today!

At one time I opened my eyes and gazed out the window on a beautiful rainbow.  What a gift that I will get to share with Rebekah I saw a rainbow on the day she was born!  I know in my heart that God is taking care of our Rebekah.  I called Matt to share this with him and he was happy to hear my excitement.  (speaking of calling Matt, I think I called him 4 times in the two hours he was home - and again, he never once complained about my constant interruptions as he was working hard to make use of his little time at home).  But God is more than good and more than awesome - on Matt's return drive to the hospital he got to see his own rainbow for Rebekah, and even snapped a picture on his phone.  How awesome is that?!!  Two rainbows in one day!!

I did attempt to go and see Rebekah in the NICU with Matt, but I did not make it very far, and almost covered the nurses desk with my wonderful spray.  Thanks again for a quick husband who grabbed their garbage can being the only thing in site.  It is difficult not being able to go and see her but I have been definitely feeling the prayers of all around me.  Thank you all so much for those prayers, they are bringing us much peace in the moments that we just miss holding our baby girl.  

May you all feel His love as greatly as I do today,
Marceen 

Our Changing Life...

I have not blogged about Rebekah's issues since October - when we discovered her reactions to dairy.  I was correct with removing dairy, but I had no idea of the bigger picture.

Removing dairy removed her constant runny nose and eczema so we were good there, but Rebekah began to have crazy insomniac episodes, lasting up to three days.  It took awhile to figure it out, but evidence seems to be pointing to artificial dyes, artificial sweeteners and artificial preservatives.

If you are my friend on Facebook you have seen lots of posts about many wonderful things allowed in our foods in America, that are banned in other countries.  Known carcinogens but the FDA allows them in minute amounts.  The problem is so many of our foods contain them that the amount we consume is not minute at all.

We did have an episode last night, that I would have been going crazy over this morning, if it had not been for Amelia.  Now Amelia does not know the answer for sure, but I think God used her to give me a "heads up."  We have been watching Rebekah's diet pretty well.  Now we mostly shop at Trader Joe's which makes our lives so much easier.  None of their products (their brands only-not everything they sell) have artificial dyes, artificial sweeteners or artificial preservatives.  So when Rebekah seemed a little wired last night, I was trying to blow it off as an odd night.  Amelia came in to my room and saw a Rebekah that would not go to bed, and the hyper-ness increasing.  So Amelia declared Rebekah had gotten some dye somehow.  I said I did not think so even though my mind was already trying to figure out what she ate.  With a 21 month old, and 3 other children that can drop trails, that can be tough.  Amelia said Rebekah must have found a stray jelly bean left over from one of her siblings.  It was then that I remembered Rebekah was in Cathan's room with him playing.  Now the jelly beans we purchased for Easter were "Rebekah safe" (that is a food category if you did not know) but the older three children had been given baskets from other people.  In them were Brach's and Starburst jelly beans, both full of artificial dyes that make Rebekah crazy.  And yes, one small jelly bean could cause a full night of insomnia or longer.  Some of Rebekah's episodes (before we were aware) lasted up to 72 hours.

Two A.M. and I here "Whoa!" - then silence.  Rebekah tries to be good, she knows she is supposed to be sleeping.  It was about another 15-20 minutes before I heard, "What's That!!??!!" quite loudly.  I thought maybe a random car drove by but found out later that the Garmin watch connected to the computer opposite her wall was randomly beeping.  By 3:00 A.M. she was jumping up and down in her crib.  No more denying it, she was wired and going crazy.  During these reactions, if she tries to be still, her leg will be twitching and her hands moving fingers rapidly in and out of one another.  She does not have a cold, but I cheated.  Her all natural night time cold medicine contains meltonin, so I gave her some.  Along with a warm bottle for comfort.  I changed her diaper and put her back to bed.  She tried her best to remain calm, but I heard her stirring and making random comments for another hour or so.  Today I fully expect a diaper rash which comes with the dyes.

So we continue to learn about chemicals in food, and how they effect our lives.  We continue to learn about dyes, which seem to be the worst of Rebekah's episodes.  But we are not only learning for Rebekah but for ourselves.  Since removing a lot of the processed foods my ADD meds are less then half of the dosage they used to be.  It is more difficult to get all the children on board, but our home is becoming more and more dye free.  This house has to become a completely dye free zone, no matter what the children are given, so there will be no more questioning what a toddler might have found.

If you are curious about what one reaction can be like, here is a blog from a medical writer:
http://www.allergykids.com/blog/seeing-red/

and another blog, this one is about chewing gum, but it breaks down a lot of chemicals:
http://foodbabe.com/2011/12/09/wanna-a-piece-of-gum/

It is just a relief to know these crazy reactions have not happened to Rebekah alone.

Deliberate Disobedience

As parents we have all had an experience of deliberate disobedience.  The time when the child hears exactly what you are saying and responds with a "no."  As a parent, your only choice then is to punish.

Yesterday in my women's Bible study this point was brought up.  The book we are reading, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver, pointed out that when we are deliberately disobedient to God, He can and does choose to punish us.  This was a very difficult concept for many of the women to understand, and some did not want to accept it at all.

One of the women shared when she was sick, and in a wheel chair, she was approached by a sister in Christ to search her heart for what sin was causing her illness.  This example saddens me.  There are those Christians who believe all difficulties and illnesses in life are the result of a sin and that simply is not true.  It is those examples that cause others to devalue or not believe that God will discipline.

So I have been thinking about this, and talking with my husband, and I just wanted to show some of the Biblical examples of God disciplining for disobedience and deliberate sin.

The first one that came to my mind was David.  In 2 Samuel 11 the first sin that David commented was using his power to summon Bathsheba and sleep with her.  When Bathsheba notified David she was pregnant, David arranges for her husband, Uriah, to come back from the battle lines so that David might convince Uriah to spend some time with his wife.  When Uriah claimed his loyalty and place were currently with the men fighting, and refused to see Bathsheba for two days, David sent a letter back with Uriah. The letter was given to Joab, the commander of the army, and it ordered Joab to put Uriah in the front of the battle and then to withdraw from him so that he may be struck down and die.  After Bathsheba mouned her husband's death, David took her as his wife.

There is something different here then just the sin.  We all fall short of the glory of God.  We all sin.  But King David used his power to deliberately try to cover up this sin.  In 2 Samuel 12: 9-10 the sins that the prophet Nathan talks about is not David's human nature failing of adultery, but David's deliberate sins of killing Uriah and taking his wife.  2 Samuel 12:11-12 talks about David's first punishment and 2 Samuel 12:14 talks about David's second punishment.  

A second occurrence of punishment for deliberate sin occurs at the beginning of Acts 5.  Right at the end of Acts 4 it talks about a man, Joseph, who sold a large tract of land and brought the money to the apostles' feet.  This was a sharing of wealth that was happening by all the believers.  So Acts 5 opens with Ananias and Sapphira selling a piece of property, but keeping back some of the money for themselves.  When Ananias placed the money at Peter's feet, his intention must have been deliberate, to appear this was a huge sacrifice.  The Holy Spirit does not allow for this deliberate deceit to happen.  Peter tells Ananias that he has not lied to men, but to God.  Ananias was immediately struck dead.  When Sapphira comes in, not knowing what has happened, Peter asks her if the land was sold for such and such price.  Even though Sapphira knew of the money kept back, she lies and says that was the amount it was sold for.  Peter tells her that she has put the Spirit of the Lord to the test and she also falls dead.

Again, it is not just a sin.  There is deliberate intention to deceive.  Maybe it was put on Ananias' and Sapphira's hearts to sell their property and give the money to the apostles, and they were not fully obedient.  Another possibility is it could have been their desire to be like others and have the acceptenance and praise of man.  Whatever the course of their decisions, we know there was intentional deception.  In human nature they wanted to keep some of that money.  Perhaps if Ananias had said, "I sold some property and I am giving a portion of the money to you" that God's punishment would not have been as strong.  It was the deliberate intent of appearing to be more giving than they really were that caused their downfall.

Now for a personal example.  I had not remembered this on my own, but was reminded last night through discussion with my husband.

In spring of 2009 I had almost no clothes that were fitting.  I had finally lost all of my weight from my 2006 baby plus some, but I had not purchased any smaller sizes.  I asked the women at my Bible study if anyone had any things they could pass on, and a couple of women generously responded.  I was over whelmed by the new wardrobe I received.  Most of the clothes were quality brands and many of the items looked brand new.

One of the women brought clothes that her two grown daughters were done with.  In that box were several nearly duplicate items because one piece came from each daughter.  I was immediately prompted that I should not keep all of these things for myself.  It was really difficult because I never had such quality clothes, but I knew in my heart someone was going to love the opportunity to receive such beautiful things just as much as I did.  I went through all of the similar clothes and chose the one I liked best of each one.  The hardest items to choose between were two similar North Face jackets and then two amazingly beautiful winter coats by Skea.  I did choose only one of the North Face jackets but really struggled between the two Skea coats.  They were the same style, but one was black and the other was tan.  I had never owned a coat of high quality such as these, and really, I could use both because they would coordinate with different outfits.  I donated the box holding back both Skea coats.

As the months passed on God continued to prompt my heart to give up one of the Skea coats.  By now I had decided I liked the black one better, but the tan one was still really nice just in case I ever got some boots that matched.

Then came one of those odd spring days in 2010 where the morning was chilly but it was fabulously warm and sunny by afternoon.  I threw my black Skea coat in the car because I had worn it that morning, but after attending church and teaching during the second service, there was no longer a need for it.  I was just going to make a quick stop at the neighboring grocery store and then head home.  As I got out of my car to head into the store God prompted me again.  A couple of parking spots away were two women.  Loud and clear God prompted me to give the coat to one of them.  I wanted too, I really did.  I had made the choice to give up one of each of the nearly duplicate items.  This had not been commanded of me, but I gladly told God I would and here I was holding back.  I responded to God in my heart, "not my favorite one, not the black one... I would if I had the tan one on me today."  I even told God I would give up the tan coat as soon as I got home.  But bargaining does not work.  The prompting came again, "not the tan one, but the black one, here and now."  I almost reached for it, but then like a stubborn child I said no.  I had been given these two coats and it had been a blessing to me.  I suddenly felt entitled.  I turned and headed into the store.

When I got home I pulled out the groceries and grabbed my black coat from the back seat.  Of course I was carrying everything in at once and I did not notice one of the coat sleeves dragging behind.  On my way into the house my coat sleeve caught the bottom of the screen door and ripped.  My heart was crushed.  I immediately knew this was my punishment for disobeying God's prompting.  I had been selfish when I had promised God I would share.

The next day I gave my tan coat to another mom at my son's school.  She had moved up from the south and did not have a really nice winter coat.  Actually she had spent the whole winter without a good winter coat and she had been on my heart for some time but I had been stubbornly ignoring givnig her this gift.

I still have that black coat and still wear it.  The rip on the sleeve was supposed to be my reminder to remember my promises to God.  Funny how I did not even remember this story yesterday, that my husband had to remind me.  I guess I need to look at that coat sleeve a little more often.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to choose your way even when it is difficult.  Help me to not be the stubborn child wanting to do things my way.  Love, your baby girl

God's Daily Love...

God shows up in small ways that we just do not "see" all the time.  Today I was able to realize one of those moments and share that with our son.

About a year ago a new student came on to Cathan's bus named "Maria."  (Cathan believes that was not her real name but adapted an easier name for her new friends to say.  He is not sure if the first name she gave was just a nickname or her real name.  I do not want to butcher the spelling so we will go by Maria.)  So Maria moved here from Brazil only knowing one word in English, "no."  The first few days kids would ask her all kinds of questions ranging from her favorite color to her age with every answer she gave being "no."  But Maria learned English easily and quickly became a very popular young lady.

As Matt was about to embark on his work trip to Brazil he remembered Cathan talking about Maria.  Thinking Maria might enjoy a small piece of Brazil Matt had Cathan ask her what type of candy she missed most that she could not get here.  Matt returned from Brazil on Saturday with a variety box and two bags of chocolate type candies (one bag specifically the type she named) for Maria.

This morning, realizing Cathan is a 5th grade boy about to give a girl a special gift, Matt started offering ways to dispel any unwanted attention this might bring.  Cathan could tell others it was his dad's idea... Cathan could put the stuff in one bag and hand it over quickly .. etc... only God had already taken care of it.

Cathan told us he had a way that no one else would see him give her the candy, and then he shared how.  Recently when the children in Cathan's class were given new assignments, both him and Maria were assigned morning classroom set up.  While the school day begins at 8:37 am, and other children are not allowed in the hallways until 8:27 am, Cathan and Maria are currently the only two children from Cathan's class that report at 8:22 am to set up the chairs and make sure the desks are lined up for learning after they have been moved around for cleaning the night before.

OH HOW HE LOVES US!!

Oh how God loves Maria, that God put it on Matt's heart to offer her a small piece of the only country she knew the first ten years of her life.

Oh how God loves Cathan, that he did not have to stress about how he would give Maria the candy without drawing attention to himself. (and Cathan would have stressed greatly!)

Thank you God for the ways you use us to share your love Big and Small!  and Thank you God for loving our children so much that sharing this love was made easy on them.  We love the way you fit us into your everlasting puzzle.  Amen!

40 Days...

40 days for the LORD!! Jesus took 40 days to draw close to God before his ultimate sacrifice of giving Himself up for our salvation. He prepared His heart and still felt deserted during His trial. How would He have endured the cross if He had not prepared?? 

Drawing close to God helps us to have strength to endure our trials. If you have never done a fast, or have not done one in years, tomorrow begins day 1 of 40 for those who use the time before Good Friday to prepare their hearts. What is God asking for you to do in order to prepare your heart? Whether it be a fast or a commitment, use that time to draw close to your Savior. 

If you fast from something that normally costs money, I challenge you to use that same amount of money as extra giving! Can you imagine if you just give up 3 stops for coffee on your way to work (hey, you can still make it at home) and give that money, it might be as much as $12 a week. If you fast from something that normally consumes time out of your day, (computer, facebook, television) I challenge you to use that time in prayer, devotion and quiet time. 

Begin a new journey with me and make a 40 day commitment to prepare your heart for change!

Prelude to the New Year

A little late on posting, but here it is :)

December 31, 2012 …. Prelude to the New Year

God is speaking to me about where my focus is. At church on Sunday the talk was on having great expectations on what God can do. I have always had a way of looking for the next obstacle I need to overcome. This year, with His guidance, I will look forward to seeing the next wonder He will show me. My wheels are always turning about what I need to do next. This year I will choose to enjoy the moment. I have often looked back on what I could have done differently or where I could improve. This year I will reflect and remember on the joy, the positive, the growth and the love. My thinking needs a different perspective, His perspective. 

The talk began with “Believing is Seeing.” Did you catch that? I did not even hear it correctly because I have always heard the opposite, that ‘seeing is believing.’ But that is so profound, BELIEVING IS SEEING. What we believe in our hearts and minds is what our reality becomes. Believing gives us the ability to see God. I personally know the truth in this … the more I have believed and put my faith in a living God, the more I have seen His awesome works all around me. There are many things I would not have seen if I had not first believed. We cannot encounter God unless we expect Him to act. We will encounter God when we look forward with great expectations of what He can do.

Another point that struck me is to pursue what is really important. So often we say things like, “let’s get this stuff done so that we can….” Or maybe it is something like, “I will get to that after I just do this…” I need to make the important stuff a priority. For me I have long struggled with paying off debt and using our finances to glorify God who provides for us so abundantly. We get side-tracked by things we want and stuff we ‘need’. I have trouble sticking to a budget and end up with too many excuses why a family of six causes that. The truth is we will be able to do so much more if we first pay off our debt. God has shown us the importance of this and we need to finally make it a priority. 

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of pearls, who on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.” ~Matthew 13:44-46, ESV

In the first example, the treasure was found by chance, its value was seen, and it became a priority. He could have been so caught up in his own thoughts that he missed the evidence around him. In the second example the pearl was being sought out, but how often are we so used to going through the motions (in this case his constant looking at different pearls) that we miss something that is of value. So often we can become so focused on routine, that we miss something of great value. If our focus is on pursuing what is important, we are sure to see the little gems along the way.

My attitude adjustment has to begin with my focus of thinking. I have always heard to focus on the positive, and not surprisingly, there are many scriptures that give that same message. I tend to over-react and panic. When I am reacting to a situation I am not living expectantly of seeing His work. When I carry burdens I am not living expectantly of seeing His work. 

I need to slow down, to give time to “stop, look and listen.” That is to stop from routine, look to His word, and listen for His guidance. I need to “stop, breathe, and think.” When I hear or see something that I may not agree with, I need to pause, breathe in His Spirit, and think about my choice. If I give Him time my life will not be a reaction, but a response. Through Him and changing my focus, my life will begin to show less bitterness and more of His abounding grace.