Over Coming Obstacles

Many of you know by now that I will be doing the Warrior Dash on August 3rd with my awesome friend Stacy!!  I am very excited about this journey because I have decided to raise money for St. Jude's Children's hospital in the process.  What most of you do not know is truly how physically hard this could be on me.  Let me tell you, if I had to run it today I would be lucky to come in under two hours - unless I end up skipping obstacles after many tries - but that is not my intention.  Let me try to paint a picture for you, but first, realize this is a picture I am truly only learning the layers to myself.

I am not even sure where to begin because I have been only given fragments of pieces myself.  The first piece I can remember being revealed is when I went for speech therapy in the 9^th grade.  I had nodules on my vocal cords that the doctor felt therapy could help.  I already had surgery on my vocal cords when I was only 5 years old so I have a raspy voice because of it.  More surgery would mean more scarring to the vocal cords and an even further change in my voice.  Anyway, during speech therapy I was told I do not breathe correctly, only using the top third of my lungs completely and the middle section only somewhat.  The muscles around the deepest valves to my lungs are shriveled up doing nothing.  At the time I did some vocal exercises and breathing exercises for awhile, which help enough to wear down the size of my nodules and no surgery was needed.  I was encouraged to keep on with the breathing exercises so that my muscles would not return to their shrivel status, but in a short time they were forgotten.

When I was 18 years old I joined a gym.  I was a decent weight for my height, mostly because I was on my own and did not eat much of anything.  I was only about 125 lbs. back then.  I remember having a free fitness test done and it was commented on how very low my muscle tone was.  Joining another gym when I was 20 years old, and still then, I was again told my muscles tone to fat ratio was way off balance for my weight.  I never had money for a personal trainer so I never really understood what this meant and quickly forgot about it.

Last year in April I joined group training with a personal trainer.  This is the YMCA’s program to gives you the benefit of a personal trainer at a lower cost.  When I went through my personal set up with weight, measurements and the whole deal, I also got this machine which read my body fat percentage.  While my BMI was in the overweight category, this machine showed I had such little muscle that I was actually in the obese category.

In May of last year, seeing my new primary care doctor and trying to get the medication I liked best for my ADD, she insisted I have an EKG done first.  Well, she did not like the pattern in my EKG and sent me to a cardiologist.  My cardiologist was very impressed that my doctor even caught the glitch in my heartbeat.  It is there, but my heartbeat looks the exact same every time.  It is an always present imperfect pattern.  It ended up being diagnosed as a short PR (pulmonary rate).  Really he said it is Wolff–Parkinson–White syndrome (WPW) but he will not put that on my file because it tends to freak other doctors out.  The good news that I am asymptomatic – not showing any symptoms.  After doing a stress test and getting my heart rate up over 200 beats per minute, my doctor noted how much better my heart and lungs performed after the stress test than prior to it.  So what I am supposed to do is get my heart rate over 85% of max almost daily to keep my health up and stay asymptomatic. 

 

I have attempted many times to start exercise programs, and have always come up short.  I get so tired, so exhausted, that when I begin an exercise program I usually come home and want to sit for hours and do nothing.  Actually, anytime I do anything for a couple of hours, even running errands, I come home exhausted and want to sit and do nothing. 

 

I recently joined a class at Running Fit in Ann Arbor called “Running 101.”  Having the class made me accountable.  The first week I wanted to quit so many times.  I sit on the pavement and nearly cry.  My muscles lock up and I have to stop and stretch them out often.  Having this class and having to push myself beyond where I normally give up, I have realized how much the lack of oxygen and low muscle development effect me.  The good news is by the start of week two I was feeling so much better!!  Instead of constantly being exhausted and wanting to sit around, I was actually getting some energy after I exercised 5 of 7 days. 

 

Then I took two days off and it was like starting over.  I was mentally reminded that I have to be consistent with my exercising and breathing or my muscles go right back to where they have always been.  Maybe after months of building up my muscles I will be able to take a couple of days off, but not now. They are a shriveled up mass and want to stay that way.

 

Of course right when I started to do well I have been hit with a yucky virus.  Sinus infection, coughing, the runs (and not the running I should be doing) and it has gone on and on… I have not run in five days now.  It once again will be like starting over.  I am really bummed to have missed the week three class too!!  It was the best one on stretches!  So when it comes to my fitness, I feel like I am constantly over coming hurdles.  But I know for my overall health, and to keep my WPW asymptomatic, it will be worth it to constantly fight them. 

 

So I have this crazy race, this “Warrior Dash” scheduled only five weeks from now.  I have a long way to go on building up some arm strength if I want to be able to pull myself up or pull up a friend on any of those obstacles!  But I finally realize that if I give myself just 20 minutes a day, and get past the first week, I will get the energy I need to keep going.  I am just not sure how to deal with getting sick and I surely need to get better before I can truly restart now!

Sleepless Nights can bring fruitful mornings...

3:51 AM found me looking at the time again.  I had awaken at 3:19 and had been tossing and turning.  It was time to get out of bed, something I rarely do, but I knew Matt did not need the disturbed sleep.  My rule is usually to stay in bed and close my eyes - pray - and eventually sleep will come.  But last night I just got out of bed, grabbed my phone and sat in our "Lazy Boy" chair.  

After catching up on my "Words with Friends" and "Scramble," I began to scroll through Facebook.  I came across the status of a friend I met via the internet years ago when I was pregnant with Cathan.  Although we never met face to face, we did share phone calls, laughter and tears years ago.  She used her Facebook status to come clean, admit addiction and make a cry for help.  It was brutal honesty, not only for friends and family that needed to hear, but for herself - whom she admitted she was afraid to face without the alcohol.  

It got me thinking about my own addictions.  Though through the years I have never turned to obvious addictions such as alcohol, drugs or food, I have always found a way to make my own escapes from reality, and not do what I ought to be doing.  

Addictions are tough, because as my friend admitted she realizes she cannot have one drink, not a single one; because there is no “just one” when it comes to drinking and what it triggers.  I have found my “escapism” -as I have come to call it over the years- just as challenging.  For me I turn to less harmful things outwardly, but the results can still destroy relationships.  It has been different things at different points in my life, soap operas, reading, plenty of other T.V. shows, computer games, mom’s groups (I am great at giving others advice and showing love and encouragement in lives I am not personally touching), Xbox games, Facebook, phone games, etc.

These are easy to justify as “me” time.  Many times when I would try to talk about it, I would hear – well, you have to have some time for yourself.  Reading is fine… it is OK to go on Facebook to see pictures… You words are inspiring and encouraging… You need to have your time too… You do so much with your children that you need to find time for yourself.  With an alcoholic, the addiction is clear – no drinks, not even one – but I have long struggled with how to manage my “fun” time without it turning into constant escaping.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fasted from one thing, only to turn to another. 

And while drugs or alcohol addictions may hurt so many on so many levels, my family also has suffered from my selfishness with my time.  Besides the obvious of things not getting done around the house, my children have been asked to wait for my attention while I played one more round of “Scramble” or one more word on “Words with Friends.”  If they were asked what the most important thing to their mom is right now, they might easily answer that my phone is – and that is a scary thing.  I know Matt has often mentioned how I often bury my head in my phone every ten minutes.  And while lately I have not been nearly as bad as other times in my life, I am yet given another wake-up call.  

So how does one with an addictive personality take time for me?  I am not sure I can.  I am not sure that I could ever just play one game from time to time.  There is always a new score to beat or even a new word to learn.  The latter is my biggest excuse for “Words with Friends” because I am continuing to learn new words and definitions.  By the way, I do have to tangent and share just one... the word evite is actually an archaic word meaning “avoid.”  I love the irony in that!  So send out that evites to all your parties ;)

Back to my addictions… they all seem to fall into forms of “amusement.”  I recently heard that the word “amuse” means “to not think.”  Now I cannot find the origins of that myself, but I do seem similar ideas within the definition of the word amuse:  to divert attention in a joyful manner, to pass time agreeably, to puzzle or to distract.  I like puzzles, because solving them makes me feel successful.  I like word games, because they make me feel intelligent.  Who would not wanted to have their attention diverted from housework and things that need to get done?  But I really do see how being “amused” is really “to not think.”  Maybe I am thinking in some ways, as to how I might solve a puzzle or learn a new definition, but I am using whatever source I am escaping with to “not think” about what really needs to get done.

I have recently been reading the book of Ezra and it has been speaking to me on how these people found joy in the work they were doing.  This concept is nothing new to me, but again I am praying that I can find enjoyment in the everyday work I do for God and my family.

Today, for Father’s Day, our minister spoke on breaking dysfunctional cycles.  It was very fitting for me with all I have been thinking and praying about.  We also sang a song that has been speaking to me every time I sing it for the past six months.  In this season of my life, I keep singing these words…

“Oh Lord You've searched me 
You know my way 
Even when I fail You 
I know You love me”

I may not know how to overcome these habits but I know that God, my Heavenly Father, knows how He created me – He knows my ways.  Even when I constantly fail in showing His love and grace to my husband and children, He still loves me.  I can have hope in the fact that if I ask him to order my days, He will.  If I seek Him first, He will make my paths straight. 

When I think about coming forward with my addictive personality, Satan loves to interject with how people will view me differently.  It was so fitting when our minister closed with these words:

“There is something more important than pride or dignity – that is restoration.” – Mark McGilvrey

So I pray to God that He can restore me and my relationships through His love.  May you also find restoration beneath the loving presence of His shielding wings.

A Missionary's story...

Sometimes we get to hear from a missionary, and how the pieces fit together in amazing ways!!  I absolutely love this talk and I promise that you will be inspired!
you can listen here...http://www.5milechurch.org/sermons/?sermon_id=82