Yesterday morning, while at Bible study, we were discussing what it means to be "pure and blameless" (Philippians 1:13). One of the ladies spoke of trying to help teenage girls to be pure. I immediately thought of the book "Pure: A 90-Day Devotional for the Mind, the Body & the Spirit" by Rebecca St. James. I knew I had a copy that was never written in, and my thought was that maybe this lady could use some of the things in the devotionals to share with the teenage girls.
When I got home, I remembered about the book, so I went and found it. My thought was to put it with my Bible study folder so that I would remember to give it to my friend next Thursday. When I found the book on the shelf I was given the sense (Holy Spirit) that I needed to do this devotional. Of course my reaction in my mind was to argue with this feeling: "I had looked at the book previously, and it had been sitting on the shelf for two years. I have been convicted of many things that have made my life more pure over the years, and there is a whole section just for purity of Body that would be irrelevant since I am married." Still, that quiet prompting came again that I should read it. I have learned not to argue back as much as I did when I first started hearing from the Spirit, so I put the devotional with my Bible for later.
Last night the children were watching a movie, Matt and I both sat on the bed to read. I told Matt that I had pulled out the devotional to pass along to someone at church but then God was prompting me to read it. Matt wondered what I needed to be pure about, joking about a novel many women are currently reading. I reassured him that my long time conviction on media (music, TV, novels, movies, etc.) had not wavered - all of those things do influence the purity of my thoughts. I just simply said that I did not know why I had to read it, but I guess God would show me something. I had no idea it would only take a few more minutes...
Our conversation turned towards my study, what I had learned, and what I thought about the influence of our new church. When I had been preparing for the study I had been confused by some related scriptures that I should have known the differences of the settings. It was just the way the scriptures were presented, that even though I knew they took place in different settings (different accounts of Paul being in jail), I suddenly thought that they were the same setting. The only reason for you to know this background is because I was telling Matt how stupid I felt. I suddenly confused scriptures I have known. If I had done this at my old church it would not been a big deal. Those women knew me and we had shared discussions for three years, but here these women are just getting to know me and I was frustrated to sound "so dumb" on the first day of discussion. God was again revealing to me how concerned I am with how others view me.
So feeling inadequate and wanting to get away from that feeling, I flipped open the devotional and read day 1. I really like the introduction, and the author's personal experience on Day One, but when it comes to applying it to my personal life I do not much like day 1. I suddenly remembered why I never read on last time. Day One is to be in tune with God's purpose for your life. If you do not know what God's purpose is for you, you should pray for God to reveal it to you. My thought is "I do not know my purpose" and get frustrated. Of course I then begin to feel like a failure, because I am almost 39 years old and I do not know my life's purpose on this earth.
About this time Matt tried to talk to me again - he said there was a discontent about me. (really God??? You were just not going to leave me to dwell in my misery today...) So I shared with Matt that I did not much like Day One because I do not know God's purpose for me, but "I guess I should just pray about it." I was about to put the devotional down (I did day one right? This is a 90 day devotional...) when I felt I needed to read day 2. (just another nudge...) I thought it could not be worse than not having a purpose, so I opened the book up again.
Day 2 begins, like the others, with the author's personal experience. Rebecca writes of a time in her life when she learned enough about her God-worth that it finally started to replace her self-worth. She writes:
One of the things I had to confront in my life was the issue of perfectionism. When you are a perfectionist, you tend either to push yourself all the time to be better or to go into failure mode and give up, believing that you'll never succeed. My tendency was to live with a sense that God was disappointed in me - that I was not good enough.
So that is it, I am a perfectionist! I would have never thought that, and if someone tried to tell me (maybe a few have) I would not have listened. God took an entire day to prepare my heart to hear these words. I would have never thought of myself as a perfectionist because I do not try to be perfect - no instead I just do not try at all because I do not want to fall short of how I imagine it should turn out. I suddenly could see perfectionism in all areas of my life - and why I always end up feeling not good enough. I have a lot of self-worth to begin to replace.
And as for Day 1, I do believe I know God's purpose for me. I believe God has prompted me, used family and friends to affirm my gifts, and even the occasional stranger to make a statement that could only be the Holy Spirit speaking through them. It has just been easier to deny it, or claim that can't be all He wants from me, then to try to give Him what I can. God wants me to share my stories. But there has always been a reason to not write - and most often it has something to do with me feeling I will not have the correct words so that people can truly sense the experience I had - so I chose to do nothing. (oh that perfectionist in me!)
So here it is, my journey into writing begins... no excuses, because God does not need a perfectionist.
